Are you having a bad day? Suffering from depression? Anxiety? Witnessed your bank account balance change colors? Hit another road block in your business venture? Get in a fight with your significant other? Had to drive on 77 somewhere between exits 18 and 36?
Well this post is for you. This is My Ultimate Guide to Binge Eating the Pain Away!
With this detailed guide, you can suffocate those pesky feelings of yours with some trans fats and sugars.
Today's post is for that binge-eater on the go. I'll share with you my...Five Favorite Fast Food Feasts for Forgetting Feelings! (Who doesn't love alliteration?)
So, let's get the list going. These meals are in no particular order...for they all brought me the same large amount of shame and often, diarrhea.
1. Mcdonald's: This classic American dining establishment is the largest restaurant chain based off revenue. It serves over 69 million customers every day in over 100 countries!
Well, with my first FavoriteFast Food Feast for Forgetting Feelings meal, you'll be on your way to gaining 69 million calories in 100 days.
As with every other entry on this list, it is important that you remain in your car. If you find yourself actually showing your face inside the restaurant, please stop reading this blog and seek medical attention.
Upon arrival at the drive-thru, you'll be welcomed by not one, but TWO drive-thru order options. I recommend using the one closest to the restaurant for two reasons. One, it's a shorter distance between that screen and the pay window, which means you can get your food quicker. And two, the building structure provides a little more privacy when you place your order. It's vital no one hears you order this embarrassing meal.
Now comes the order. I call this meal, The McCarb.
- A double quarter pounder with cheese and ketchup only. This last part is important because you wouldn't want the nutrients of lettuce, tomato, or onion negatively affecting your meal.
- Large fries (Pro-tip. Once you finish the fries out of the carton, head back to the bag to find loose ones at the bottom. Perhaps one of the most joyous feelings you'll experience during the meal.)
- Large Diet Coke (Let's not kid ourselves. You're not on a diet. But Diet Coke just tastes better)
- 2 Chocolate Chip Cookies (Three is too much, but adding dessert is essential to any meal)
- For the last part of the meal, you'll have two options. If you're in a breakfast-y mood...go with the Sausage McMuffin with cheese and no egg. (Again, the egg just gets in the way, plus no egg should be a perfect circle.) OR you could go for a 2-pack of their new Buttermilk Chicken Tenders (these actually taste like meat).
2. Burger King- I highly recommend going to Burger King on days when you feel truly like your life is spiraling into chaos. The feeling of "having it your way" can help give you some semblance of control.
The BK drive-thru is more old-fashioned and provides one simple option. I personally like this as it limits the number of choices I have to make.
Many people give BK a hard time ever since they changed their French fries many years ago, and although they may not be the best, remember your binge eating has nothing to do with enjoyment. But, I do find some joy knowing that this establishment has a thing called Chicken Fries!
On to the meal. I call this one, the Whopper of a Meal.
- A Large Rodeo King burger. This sandwich comes with two flame-broiled beef(?) patties, American cheese, bacon, crispy onion rings, BBQ sauce, and mayo. (I get this without mayo because...let's not be indulgent.)
- Large Fries (again, they're not amazing, but you can't not get large fries)
- Large Diet Coke (again, you're not fooling anyone)
- 6 or 10 (depending on how bad you feel) chicken nuggets.
- One of their pie options. Personally, I like the Reese's one the best. But their new Twix pie is pretty fantastic. If you're someone who needs symmetry in their life, order two Twix Pies so you can have both the right and left half.
3. Arby's- They have the meats and you'll have the shits after you binge on my number 3 FavoriteFast Food Feast for Forgetting Feelings. Arby's is famous for it's roast beef(?) sandwiches and cowboy hat logo. This fast-food eatery started in Ohio and was founded by the Raffel Brothers. Or the RBs (Arby's). I always thought it was from Roast Beef. Hm...learning is fun.
Anyway, Arby's is the place to go if you're feeling down but also feel like being a rebel. Be unlike everyone else and completely avoid all products that are roast beef related. How crazy of me you say? Well, trust me...you're in for a treat with this entry on the list. (and by treat, I mean a fat-filled entrée of shame)
WE HAVE THE MEAL! Here it is. I call it, the Ving Shames (Ving Rhames is the voice of Arby's. I like puns. A lot.)
- The number 17. Yup, I know what you're thinking, Arby's has 17 options for meals?! It does. The number 17 is their chicken tenders and they are the best. I go with the 5 piece instead of the 3 piece. I like an even number. (I know 5 is odd just like 3, but I wanted to list an excuse for why I got more)
- Large Curly Fries (holy hell these are perfect) Even if I wasn't a binge eater, I would gladly indulge in this twisty treat.
- Large Diet...Pepsi. (Our first establishment that doesn't have Coke products) Any points lost for this are made up by their curly fries.
- Buffalo Chicken Slider. Who doesn't like a bite-sized sandwich? Their buffalo sauce and bleu cheese are actually quite tasty
- Double Chocolate chunk cookie. Perhaps the messiest cookie I've ever eaten. Very chocolate-y. Make sure to get extra napkins or loved ones might notice your chocolate-stained fingers.
4. Wendy's- The Morton's of fast-food restaurants. Why you ask? They serve baked potatoes.
Wendy's is a great option when you're in that old-fashioned depressed mood. Even before you order, some Wendy's have a picture of Dave Thomas outside and he just makes you feel better.
The red-haired and freckled Wendy makes you feel at home with a wide variety of menu options and I often find myself struggling the most at this drive-thru. I never quite know what I want to get until I start speaking into the machine.
For the record, Wendy's is probably the only entry on this list where I would show my face inside. I still feel embarrassment, but it's hard not to love those small paper cups for the ketchup.
Onto the order. So, their slogan is "Quality is Our Recipe." Well, I call this meal, Quantity is My Recipe.
- Dave's Classic Double with cheese and ketchup only. Again, it's important to get the healthy foods out of the way. Look, it doesn't really make sense, but there's something extra tasty about a square shaped beef(?) patty.
- Large Fries. Wendy's fresh cut and sea-salt sprinkled fries are truly underrated. I like that the fries have pieces of potato skin on them so you know they came from an actual potato. It's encouraging.
- Large Sprite (We're back to Coke products) Something about Wendy's Sprite is fantastic. I think it's laced with cocaine.
- 6 Chicken Nuggets. They used to have spicy nuggets. They were better. It's always nice to add a little zest to a carb fest.
- Chocolate Chunk Cookie. I know what you're thinking. No frosty? That's right. No frosty. It's a soul-less Blizzard.
5. Chick-Fil-A-Our final entry on the Five Favorite Fast Food Feasts for Forgetting Feelings. This one comes with the most amount of shame because the chicken is not only unhealthy, it's also incredibly homophobic. I feel extra worse for supporting this organization.
Don't be taken in by the Chick-fil-A charm. This place is truly hell, especially for an atheist like myself. All those young white kids smile as they serve god-fearing chicken to its god-fearing customers. Their mascots, the psychopathic and illiterate cows on their quest to murder innocent chickens. Plus, I don't trust a place that serves chicken biscuits but is closed on Sundays. Sunday mornings are the best time for chicken biscuits damnt! The owner is anti-gay and probably a racist. But its chicken is tasty and their fries have a funny shape...so fuck it right?
I rarely find myself in this drive-thru line for the reasons listed above but also because no matter what time of day it is, the line is 2 miles long. And they have this horrible system where their employees are standing in the drive-thru line to personally take your order!! I'd like to shamefully state my order into a machine please without having to deal with making eye contact with a human being.
Anyway I'm starting to feel shame just writing about this establishment so onto the meal. I call this one, Chick-Fil-Gay (just to piss off their homophobic overlords)
- Spicy Chicken Sandwich, plain. There's nothing plain about this flavorful piece of chicken. But it's plain, because I don't want pickles on it damnt. No green stuff! This sandwich comes with pepper jack cheese and is served in its own aluminum-lined paper bag! (this place is so pretentious)
- Large Waffle Fries. Okay, all my hatred for this place melts away when I eat one of these delicious Tic-Tac-potaTOEs. They're so good. The only problem with them is that, due to their odd shape, you can't fit so many in the carton. So, occasionally I'll order an extra order.
- Large Diet Coke. This is a tough call as their lemonade is pretty good as well. Extra points for the Styrofoam cups. Keeps em colder. I think. Science right?
- Chocolate Chip Cookie. Not the best dessert section here. But this cookie will do in a pinch.
Follow these directions at each restaurant: Once you pay for and receive your meal, ask for extra napkins and tell them you don't need a receipt (can't leave a paper trail). Then, drive around the restaurant until you find a perfect parking spot. Perfect entails a shady covering and no one next to you on the driver side. If someone pulls up next to you and can see you eating, find another spot. But if you're good, crank up the radio, a YouTube video or podcast and binge away! If you eat fast enough, the shame usually shows up right as you finish the last bite.
Well, there you have it! I hope this list helps those of you looking to deal with your emotions in an unhealthy and unproductive way like I have.
For the record, each one of these meals is something I've actually ordered and devoured. It's really hard and embarrassing to admit this, but as I'll keep saying...shame doesn't grow as well in the light. I hope that talking about it helps eradicate this behavior. Knowing that I have you all to answer to helps.
And now, if I find myself in line for one of these places, I will try to stick to one item or meal. Not 6. And no matter what I order, I will share it with you all on this blog. And hopefully in the not so distant future, I won't have much more to share.