It's been way too long since my last post. For those of you who were getting any kind of joy from my struggles, I apologize for the delay. I hope you take some comfort in the fact that I'm still struggling.
So what have I been up to these past few weeks? As CATCh as hit some road blocks, I found that it was important to get a part-time job so I wasn't sitting at home binge eating all day. And you know, some kind of income is helpful. Well, I got a job with a local limo company as a chauffeur. And no, I don't get to wear a funny hat. (I'm disappointed too.)
It's actually been a fun job so far. They're a great company that has been flexible and supportive of my dedication to CATCh. And though CATCh suffered a tough April, our May has been pretty good. We had a great team building workshop with Read Charlotte. And our show at Free Range with the Charlotte Storytellers benefiting Brave Step will remain one of my favorite creative endeavors of all time. I'm excited for our Ri Ra show tomorrow night. And hopefully, a new space is on the horizon. Trying not to get my hopes up though because gravity can be a bitch to those.
It took about two weeks into this new job to realize the irony. In many of my posts, I've talked about my big fat dark passenger and I used many driving and road related metaphors to discuss my journey to getting my life back on track. And then I go out and get a job that literally has me in the driver's seat. Life is funny.
One thing I've realized recently is how much I rely on others to keep me motivated. I work so much better when someone else or a group is relying on me. When I'm left to my own devices, that's when the dark passenger(s) show up. Long term goal is to get better at being independent. But in the mean time, I want to give myself permission to lean into this trait of mine I've considered a fault for too long. Instead, I want to view it as a strength.
I came to this realization during a recent drive. I picked up the passenger and was enjoying the silence of the car and the loudness of my thoughts. With all of my driving metaphors about taking control of the wheel and getting on the right road, it seems as if I literally had to do that. And not only am I literally driving, but I've made it a job where others are relying on me. That's the only way I would've been able to do it.
This blog has been about this trait as well. By being open and honest with you all (all 3 of you), I'm somehow accountable. Having a therapist gives me this as well. Knowing that he's expecting growth from me, I don't want to let him down. By telling Dianna about things I want to work on with her, she can help me and hold me accountable. I get most of my work with CATCh done when Carey is with me. I feel happiest when I'm around others and I feel most productive. It's when I'm trying to be my best self.
And as my last post was about avoidance, I had to think about why I've been avoiding others when it seems other people seem to be what gets me motivated. I haven't quite figured that all out yet, but I'd imagine it goes back to my fear of failure. I know I want to be my best self when I'm around other people, but I have been riddled with self-doubt lately and didn't want to let others down, so I avoided them. Or something like that. I don't know. I can't explain my craziness.
So, on this road to recovery, I've traded my big fat dark passenger for an actual passenger. I'm trying to be okay with needing others and not beat myself up for wanting help. Some next steps are to meet up with people I haven't seen in awhile, reach out to those that I may have avoided these past few months, start a get fit motivational group on facebook to help lose weight and get healthy, and keep writing on here.
And if you're out there and you're like me. Sitting alone, wishing you had someone to push you and hold you accountable...don't feel bad. Don't chalk it up to being lazy. Reach out to me, let's hang out and we can push each other to do something productive. Or we can get a drink and cry together. Either way.